March 10, 2015 - PeterT

I am the egg man and will soon look like a walrus (or: My Beloved Breakfast Sandwich Maker)

Goo goo g’joob (or koo koo kachoo as most think it goes – but they’re WRONG-O) – or “Hamilton Beach 25476 Breakfast Electric Sandwich Maker Review” for boring people.  But even boring people love breakfast sandwiches so hey.

I haven’t written anything in forever and this is obviously not a good start.  I’m sober, and it still barely makes sense even to me so far.  So let me get to the point:  I’m actually reviewing (actually raving) about a breakfast sandwich maker that was one of the best Christmas presents I’ve received in a long time.  This one:

I have the black one, so it really isn’t THAT one but I want the red one and will buy the red one to have at my secondary location or in the studio (actually, no, since there’s no food allowed in there).  Click the picture or click here to check out all the specs for the Hamilton Beach 25476 Breakfast Electric Sandwich Maker and see others rave about it so you can understand that I’m not as loony as I sound.  For reals.

I love this thing so much that I added two new categories to the blog just for it!  Now there are probably more categories than actual blog entries but screw you don’t judge me.  Anyway, this thing is serious great for anybody who loves breakfast sandwiches and as the joke goes:  “Who has two thumbs and loves breakfast sandwiches?” *sticks out two Fonzie-worthy thumbs toward himself*  “THIS GUY.”

Why is it so great?  It is great for two very simple reasons:  It is easy to use, clean up is a breeze, and the sandwiches are delicious.  Oops, that’s three reasons.  All valid, I just happened to remember that I will explain how easy it is to clean in a moment.

Easy to use

After unboxing and reading far too bulky of a manual where you can learn that there are basically three sections that you can clearly figure out on your own if you’ve progressed beyond fifth grade or so, you give the thing a quick cleanup to make sure all of the rat footprints and skin cells from cheap labor don’t get into your first sandwich and then simply do the following:

  1. Plug in the unit to warm it up making sure it is closed (you’ll do the next steps while it does so)
  2. Grab an English Muffin and slice it or fork it (perv) like you normally would
  3. Gather one egg, some non-stick spray, a cheese and a meat (exclude these two items if you are lame or vegan, I’ll still love and respect you in the morning)
  4. Lift the lid (the top red part if you are cooler than me and bought that one or if you are me some time in the very near future) and the second section up together and leave them open and the third part (basically a ring for the bottom muffin) and place the bottom of your English Muffin into said ring.  Face up, like you would put it down anywhere else, don’t be an idiot.
  5. I’ve done this a few times so don’t do what the manual or others might tell you – put your cheese on top of the English Muffin bottom you just put down.  Taking off the corners makes cleanup easier.  Take the cheese corners off of a square piece of cheese and eat them.  Embrace your inner fattie.  Or use shredded cheese which works VERY well.  In fact, just do that.  Use shredded cheese (not too much) and still embrace your inner fattie.
  6. Put the next piece down with the black handle.  This may seem complicated but this is the part that actually has TWO parts.  Embrace your inner nerd and figure out how to put down the ring AND the sliding magic egg-dropping shelf of wonder at the same time.  You can do it.  Maybe you really should have read the manual.  I’m still sober, sure, but this is probably not helping.  You’ll thank me after you do it the way the manual tells you and then you read and understand how much better my method is.
  7. Seven f’ing steps so far makes it seem more complicated than it really is.  I’m just being thorough.  Easy step, though:  Spray the magic egg-dropping shelf of wonder and the ring of egg containment cell (Eggcatraz, if you will) with the non-stick spray and crack the m-er-effing egg already.
  8. Pierce the yolk.  No, really go for it.  Punish the yolk, spread it around, oh yes… OK sorry, I got carried away there.  Pierce the yolk and season it.  Or don’t season it, you bland person.  I put pepper, garlic salt, and Cholula hot sauce – yes poured right on to or really INTO the egg.  Don’t be afraid of new things.
  9. Optional (but not really optional unless you are lame or a vegan):  I’ll still respect you in the morning if you don’t, but get some real bacon bits (not the nuclear Bac-os or whatever that crap is called) and sprinkle them into the already-cooking egg.  Hurry up, though, you are too slow but will improve over time.
  10. Put the top of the English Muffin on the egg you just cracked, seasoned, and (hopefully) sprinkled with bacon.  Yes, put it right on top of the egg.  I didn’t mistype, I know what  I’m doing, don’t doubt me.  Disclaimer:  you really probably should doubt me, but when it comes to breakfast sandwiches and this wondrous machine I really do know what I’m doing.
  11. Close the lid.
  12. Wait 4 minutes.  Set a timer if you are narcoleptic or irresponsible.
  13. Open lid and take a look.  There’s something really zen or “Big Lebowski” about this moment.  Take it in for a moment.
  14. Only a quick moment, though, because now you touch the little handle on the magic egg-dropping shelf of wonder and slide it open (to the left, to the left) and the m-er-effing egg and top of the muffin DROPS on to the bottom part of the sandwich!  F**king miracle stuff right there.  Speaking of miracles, put mayonaisse or something else but never that vile Miracle Whip crap on your sandwich if you like that sort of thing.  If you like Miracle Whip, I’m sorry.  Not sorry I offended you, I’m sorry you enjoy that disgusting garbage.  But I will still respect you in the morning.
  15. Now lift the last handle to reveal your whole sandwich sitting on the (caution: HOT) bottom surface of the machine.  You should have a plate by now, even though I never told you to get one, because I am confident you are smart like that.
  16. Finally, slide the tasty treat on to your plate if you are like me and don’t want to dirty a spatula.  Or, if you like having almost 100% chance of not having to reassemble any part of your sandwich, use a spatula like a normal person (as I am clearly not a normal person).

Don’t eat that tasty breakfast sandwich just yet

Why?  First, because it is hot.  You are not that stupid, you know why we now label everything “hot” even though you really can figure it out on your own.

Is that really why?  Not so much… Listen, I have and I know you have burned my mouth on things that are delicious based on impatience.  If you haven’t, you’re probably boring and lame (maybe not a vegan, though) and yes I most certainly will still respect you in the morning.

Anyway, the REAL reason is the cleanup.  It is easy when you do it while the machine is still hot.  Is that dangerous?  Probably, if you are uncoordinated or otherwise accident-prone but hey, I’ll warn you:  The machine is still hot so be careful, ok??  Just do the following:

  1. With everything still open as you left it five seconds ago, wet a clean washcloth or a few paper towels (there’s a contact form for any environmentalist who wants to tell me not to do the latter or recommend it – you can write me there, I probably won’t write back but I’ll still respect you in the morning).
  2. While holding the other parts so they don’t fall on your hand – safety first! – use the wet cloth or paper towels to wipe off the bottom surface.  Yes, those stupid little cornmeal bits are annoying.  Get over it.
  3. Carefully lay down the next section and do the same to clean it.  Yes, this cleans it just fine – I’m a germaphobe and I do it this way with no issues so deal with it.
  4. You may have figured out that the next steps are pretty similar.  Drop the magic egg-dropping shelf of wonder portion of the contraption and clean it.  You can clean the bottom of the egg slider doodad while it is still in the upright position.  That’s good to do if you went crazy with the cheese on the bottom muffin.
  5. Finally, do the same to the upper lid (the bottom of the lid is indeed a non-stick surface that you should clean) and close the lid.  Don’t forget that you have a breakfast sandwich waiting for you.

Eat your damn breakfast sandwich and thank me for the help.  Don’t call or write, just do it silently or send money.

I love the Hamilton Beach 25476 Breakfast Sandwich Maker and if you are not a terrible person you will learn to love it (or already do).  I hope you enjoyed this “review” or whatever the F that was.  I still feel the need to explain that I REALLY am sober.  It may not seem so, but I am.  I reread this and should have added that fact a few more times but you probably wouldn’t believe it anyway.

Onward, breakfast sandwich lovers.

Food / Gadgets

Leave a Reply